I’m Listening, to the signs.

I recently lost my job. It’s been a few weeks and I’ve been silent up to now, but I am strong enough to admit it out loud. This post has been aggravating my writer’s block so I have to get this out.  I am pushing myself to ignore the unhelpful voice inside that has stifled my writing for so long so each post is a baby step in a new direction. I am using this time to work on my writing and find a new path in life. If you know me, I always love a good challenge, the difference is this time I am going to try put my energy into my own projects.

Okay so, job loss. Here is the deal. I was simply told I was not a good fit. It wasn’t personal and I have good skills. But I was not what they were looking for at this time. I think that working for a start-up is not for me, so I agree with assessment even if it still stings. Working at highly competitive and high growth environment requires employees to give everything and anything to their work and to be honest this is not something I am able to give. I was doomed to crash and burn at some point.  I had way way way too much on my plate that I felt like I couldn’t even think straight.  I wasn’t “hungry” enough for the company. I wasn’t ruthless according to management. These attributes are not within me and I knew it when they said it and I was always worried. But I still tried and I still pushed and pushed myself against the racing pulse, sleepless nights, bitten fingernails and churning stomach.

But the hard work, pushing myself to the edge just propelled me into a dead-end. I felt frozen at times.  I couldn’t deliver at the drop of the hat. What I did deliver failed to meet my standards and never hit the mark.  It wasn’t long that I started to feel like a pathetic mess that had lost my way. I had lost all my confidence.  When I started my new job, I had confidence and drive. I know this came through in the interview. I was committed to marketing and helping the company grow. I said I was creative and managed projects that had good outcomes. I felt sure of myself. But that all vanished when the flood of stress and anxiety drowned my ambitions.

I also need to admit to myself (and others) that I can’t work 40-50+ hours a week. And go to school full time. And raise my daughter. And have fun with my husband. And have a tiny tiny bit of a social life. Yeah I felt overwhelmed and I felt like I was drowning, because I was. But I didn’t want to admit it.

I knew this wasn’t sustainable, yet I felt powerless to change the dynamic. I did not fail at my job because I lacked the skills. I was not able to contribute because I was too locked up in stress.  I’ve been ignoring the signs for a long time and so for the first time I am really listening. So here is what I’ve learned. I am not weak for listening to my mind and body. Having a few weeks to get into a routine that allows for long walks, healthy meals, naps and most importantly a re-connection with family and friends has been the best gift. My new commitment is to find a line of work, job or career that will allow me to bring these new gifts along with me.

I know this will be a journey and it will take some patience and time.  I know I am creative, energetic, friendly, smart, strategic and ambitious and I would like to use my talents on something that is my own. I hope I am onto something good. At least I am starting to listen, really listen.

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