Taken with iPhone 4s, while riding on a bus. 
Riding on the Bay Bridge over the fog.
Taken in the Port of Oakland, on Alameda Ferry. With iPhone 4s. 
Hello there, you furry little demon.
I get excited when I am onto something and it gets validated shortly after, this is the gift of taking time to listen. You can hear the whispers before they are glaringly loud, screaming in your face, keeping you up at night. Recently I cracked open and started yet another journal. I use it as a place to write down the cruddier thoughts that are not blog worthy and this process really works well for me lately. I have a beautiful moleskine, that is asking me to treat it like a sketchbook, so I have been.
Turns out this is actually a good technique. I am sure I read about this at one point or another, but this time I just started doing it and am still staying committed. Yeah yeah, its still early on, I am still motivated. But I remember last week, I almost gave all of this up and was trolling LinkedIn, Staffing Agencies and non-profit sites for a job?
Anyhow, I’ve been reading “Writing Down to the Bones” by Natalie Goldberg and each page has been a little gift of validation. I keep smiling because I am a step ahead of each chapter. She talks about demons (or as I call them gremlins) too. She describes the process of journaling as composting and says,
When your writing blooms out of the back of this garbage and compost, it is very stable. You are not running from anything. You can have a sense of artistic security. If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. Besides, those voices are merely guardians and demons protecting the real treasure, the first thoughts of your mind.
Yes, exactly, ah—guardians and demons. I always hear them inside. The fight and roar, gnashing teeth and all, they have kept me in fear for a long time. Here is how I composted recently. Ever since I wrote this out, I have felt the floodgates open. The demons and guardians have given me entrance to my vault of riches.
Reason’s I can’t write. 1. I don’t know how to write 2. Nobody will read it 3. Everyone has read it already 4. It’s already been done 5. I won’t make money 6. I will fail 7. It will suck 8. Everyone wants to write 9. Not many succeed 10. I have nothing important to say 11. My story is boring 12. I don’t have time 13. I won’t have time 14. I should have started years ago 15. It’s too late 16. I am too old 17. I have no talent 18. I won’t finish 19. I haven’t started 20. I don’t write enough.
Reason’s I can write. 1. I have a story to tell 2. I want to share my story 3. I feel it calling 4. I can practice everyday 5. It doesn’t have to succeed 6. It doesn’t have to make me rich 7. I can work on my story little by little 8. I carry a rich past 9. I have a strong voice 10. People will like it 11. It will free my soul 12. I can know I tried 13. I will regret not doing it 14. My story should be on paper 15. My story needs to get out of my head 16. My story will be a good adventure 17. My story will be my legacy 18. My story will set me free 19. My story will help me heal 20. My story will help me forgive.
Give your gremlins a hug today.
I’ve been struggling this past week. It’s to be expected. The gremlins of shame, anxiety and sadness are back. I am scrambling to make them go away. I know how to do this, right? If I just white knuckle it, work hard to dig out from this rut, pull myself up by my bootstraps and be strong everything will be fine. The feelings will pass and I can move on.
But this is what I always do in these times. I am an expert at pulling myself up from a heap. I always focus on ways to get stronger and tougher. But does that work? Once I power through, I can keep the gremlins at bay, sometimes for extended periods of time. But I know they are still living in my soul, ready to pounce at the first given opportunity. If I have anything to gain from this time in my life, I have to break my pattern and old habits. As of today, I have little experience with really trying to feel the feelings, to sink into them and let them be alive. I always try to fight back.
I was reminded to listen to Dr. Brene Brown today, I had listened to her TEDXHouston Talk about vulnerability a few years ago and her words resonated so well. Recently she gave the closing talk at Ted 2012 called “Listening to Shame” and I was struck by her main message:
Vulnerability is not weakness, that myth is profoundly dangerous. To let ourselves be seen and be honest is courageous. Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. To create is to make something that has never existed before.
The journey I have set before me is scary and some of my ideas seem really far flung and out of reach. But in my core, I know there is more to my life than how I was living. I know that I have to listen more closely to the faint voices squashed in my soul. So far, I have had many failures in my life and I am starting to listen and use their lessons. I am not ashamed to admit I have failed. But the biggest mistake I make each time is to recreate the same scenario over and over again. I have spent very little time trying to understand the message. Even worse, I give into the old cycles thinking that’s what is best. I just push through the noise, fight off the gremlins and pretend to be tough. But I never give anything new a chance to grow. I tell myself not to be creative, or write or make something of my own because I am not worthy. So this time around I know it’s my turn to really sit with my vulnerable self and let her know I am listening and trying to learn. Then maybe I can start to create.
Dear Sheryl Sandberg.
Dear Sheryl,
I hear you have a book coming out soon, something about us women needing to hit the accelerator and “lean in” even more than we are now. Apparently, you feel that we still have way more work to do and are offering advice. Your “movement” is getting a lot of praise and you have caught my attention. But before I read your book or commit more of my valuable time to your Lean In Circles, I am just dying to know a few things.
1. Do you have a full-time nanny, housekeeper and cook?
2. When you go home for dinner with your family, what time do you jump back on your computer to answer emails and do more work? How many hours a day do you work and is it more than 40?
3. Do your “handlers” help you through your day? Do you get help or even a little help from a personal assistant, executive assistant, stylist or personal shopper?
4. Do you really think its possible for all women to “lean in?” What if a woman or has no help, is a single mother, has an un-supportive husband or suffers from a chronic illness?
5. Have you ever been worried about money and making ends meet, or lived paycheck to paycheck?
6. Don’t you think you are simply propelling the paradigm that power can only come from the top and women need to change the world in the same way as men?
7. Have you ever broke-down, hit bottom, felt over-worked and exhausted from all the leaning in and acceleration?
8. Have you ever cried at work? Have you ever hid in the bathroom and cried at home? Have you ever cried in public? Have you ever cried to your friends?
9. Do you think its possible that women can still “run the world” without being CEO’s of big companies?
10. Do you really believe you can lead a social movement, even though you point to our lack of confidence and self-sabotaging ways, which just makes us feel more shame and reminds us that we aren’t keeping up and have more “failures” to add to our ever growing list?
I am just wondering, so I thought I would ask is all. Maybe your book is not meant for me, as I am just a mother of one, with an average-income career, 2/3’s of a college degree, who struggles to keep up with the rush of The Bay Area and can openly admit that all the striving for a high level job that breaks the glass ceiling is not so alluring.
Well anyhow, good luck with your book launch and lean in circles, I can see you are passionate that is always nice to see.
Sincerely,
A Mother Trying to Do the Opposite of Leaning In